Unplug, Reset, Try, Try Again.

When the stresses of life become overwhelming, a trip into nature always makes me feel recentered, peaceful, and inspired to keep pursuing a meaningful life.

Yep, it’s been over a month since you last heard from me. I feel bad about that. I know consistency is important. I also know that getting back up after you fall is what makes all the difference, in the long run. And I want to be in it for the long run. So I wanted to share with you what I’ve been up to during this time.

Things became stressful at my day job. There were staffing cuts and vacancies that would not be filled. I injured my back from the increased workload. My schedule was all over the place and punishing. My sleep became erratic and insufficient. I was left feeling exhausted and wrung out at the end of every work week. This, in addition to the state of the world, the humanitarian crises unfolding for tens of thousands of people around the globe, the negative news cycle, was all too much. I became deeply depressed and it all became even harder. It was all I could do to keep up with house chores and some tiny semblance of self care. My creative projects sat untouched and every time I saw them I was reminded of all of the personal endeavors I was not making progress on. It was not a good place to be in.

So, when the camping trip to Lost Lake that we’d booked months ago finally came around, I was in dire need of some unplugging and some deep connection with nature and with myself.

Mt. Hood hides behind clouds on the horizon overlooking Lost Lake.

One of the things I first notice when I go camping and am deeply immersed in nature, is how at peace and calm I immediately feel. My nervous system relaxes and my breath deepens. I am usually overcome with a feeling of needing to nap, right there, on the forest floor. To me this is further proof that nature is my natural state. It’s where I feel most at peace. I grew up in the country, running wild on a big piece of property with trees to climb, lakes to swim in, and solitude to think big thoughts or sit quietly and just watch nature do its thing. Sure, such a childhood was socially isolating in some ways and has created struggles of a different kind, but I wouldn’t trade that childhood for the world.

I like big trees and I cannot lie…

One of my favorite parts about camping here in Oregon, is finding these incredible, huge, old trees that have stood for hundreds of years. First of all, they make me feel small in a world where I have usually felt too big. Also, I like to look up at them and meditate on all that they’ve witnessed, encountered, withstood. The staying power of these giants blows my mind, especially considering, as a very sensitive person myself, I feel constantly blown about by the events of the world, by the attitudes of those around me, by my own shifting mental state. I marvel at their steadfastness.

Portabella mushroom and veggie fajitas with a side of smoky, campfire black beans.

Being in the forest was restorative. Life slows down when I exist in the wild without electricity and internet and distraction. I can’t help but be present in the moment because there is nothing else but what is right in front of me. The rest of the world has melted away. Things like cooking become meditative as I prepare the fire, the ingredients, and wait for the magic to unfold. Even washing up afterward falls into this state where I just focus on the task at hand. Time passes without notice until the sun dips below the tree line and I realize nightfall is coming soon.

The sun sets over a still and reflective Lost Lake in Mount Hood National Forest.

Existing in this place for days at a time is transformative. I see with new eyes. I think with a renewed mind. The anxiety that buffeted my mind like relentless waves before is silent. I remember that life can be simple. I remember that life can be what I want it to be. I can shape it to fit my needs and my desires and my dreams. I can try again, as many times as it takes. And so, I do. And I am.

I hope you too find the time and space to remember what matters. I hope you are able to carve out little nooks of peace and reflection. Being able to do so is a privilege that I hope to never take for granted.

As I was going through the photos from our trip, I noticed something irregular about one of these daisies and zoomed in to take a closer look.

A photo of white daisies…and something else quite tiny.

I had no idea when I took this photo of flowers that I was also capturing this little creature in the composition. I was intrigued! After a little searching online, I found of that this is a crab spider (scientific name Thomisidae), which it turns out are pretty interesting spiders. They are not web-spinners, but instead are ambush predators. They often hang out on flowers waiting for butterflies and bees.

A close-up of the tiny crab spider lying in wait on a daisy.

So, when I returned to Portland after our camping trip with a renewed commitment to keep up my creative practice, I decided the crab spider would be the focus of my next digital illustration.

A little fuel for working on my illustration.

Here’s the finished crab spider:

My finished illustration of a crab spider.

I think he turned out pretty cool. I’ve got loads of other inspiration from the camping trip that I’d like to illustrate as well, so I’ve got plenty of material to keep me busy for a while.

I’m also looking to make some changes in my employment. I keep finding myself in these stressful positions, often in retail or the restaurant industry, that I’ve convinced myself I need to take because they pay more than less stressful work. It always ends up with me being unfulfilled and without the energy to pursue my artistic endeavors. So, I’ve left my job and I’m trying something different. I’ll be looking for some part time jobs to piece together to pay the bills while I make more dedicated time for my creative work. It’s scary making that kind of change after having the reliability of a full-time, management job, but I think it’s what has to happen. I’ve tried it the other way for so long now, that it’s silly to keep trying the same thing over and over when I know it doesn’t work. I’ll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime I’m taking the rest of this month off, filling the gaps with gig work as I structure my days around the work I find most fulfilling. I have hope again, which is huge and gives me the motivation to try, try again. One of these days, I’m know I’ll get it right.

As ever, thank you so much for being here.

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